Useful Work Tips

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace…

* If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’.

* If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’.

* If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’.

* If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’.

* If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’.

* If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you.

* If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate.

* If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’.

* Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’.

* Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’.

* Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’.

* Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace…

>> If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

>> A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

>> Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

>> It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

>> After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

>> The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

>> You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat.

>> Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

>> When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

>> If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

>> There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

>> Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

>> Everything can be filed under “pending.”.

>> Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

>> To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

>> Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

>> Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

>> If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

>> You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

>> People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

>> If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

>> At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

>> When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

>> Following the rules will not get the job done.

>> Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

>> When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”.

>> No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

>> The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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