Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm exiting its hole in the ground.

He says, ‘Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.’

The grandfather replies, ‘I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t.
It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.’

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy $5, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the
little boy another five dollars.

‘GRANDPA, YOU ALREADY GAVE ME $5.’

The grandfather replies, ‘I KNOW THAT’S FROM YOUR GRANDMA’

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80 year old woman

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’ She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, ‘I will give you 6 days in jail.’ Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, ‘ What is it?’ The husband said ‘She also stole a can of peas.

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wink

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget.. When i noticed him winking at me.. I turned my back a bit but when i looked around he was still winking at me.. So I said ‘ Whats ur problem, do u fuckin fancy me or something ? ‘
He said ‘ No u bastard.. Your splashing my eyes !’

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1st time driving

A woman is driving 1st time on the highway.

Her husband calls and says.’Be careful love,

it’s just been on the radio that some one is driving the wrong way on the highway

She replies : ‘Someone..?’ ‘These bastards are in hundreds !

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Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, ‘Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.

‘She told him ‘You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6.’

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.’

She told him ‘you are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13.’

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

‘I’m in sales.’ she said.

He replied, ‘no kidding so am I. What do you sell?’

She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, ‘I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)’.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, ‘You promised you wouldn’t laugh’.

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), ‘I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper….. I’m still one hole behind you.

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.? The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.? My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.? I had no control over the drooling.? Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.? I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Useful Work Tips

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace…

* If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’.

* If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’.

* If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’.

* If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’.

* If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’.

* If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you.

* If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate.

* If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’.

* Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’.

* Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’.

* Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’.

* Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace…

>> If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

>> A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

>> Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

>> It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

>> After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

>> The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

>> You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat.

>> Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

>> When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

>> If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

>> There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

>> Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

>> Everything can be filed under “pending.”.

>> Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

>> To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

>> Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

>> Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

>> If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

>> You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

>> People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

>> If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

>> At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

>> When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

>> Following the rules will not get the job done.

>> Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

>> When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”.

>> No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

>> The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Taxes

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer’s Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline

* No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

* I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

* How cute… a tax form done in crayon.

* No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver’s license every 4 years, not the other way around.

* Just because you talk to your plants ma’am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependents.

* No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office “contributions” are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

* Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you’ve had cannot count as a business expense.

* I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow your “Give me an extension and I’ll give you an extension later at my place” argument.

* I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you’re not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

* Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we’ll screw you later!!

colonoscopies comments

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

* “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

* “Can you hear me NOW?”

* “You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.”

* “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

* “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

* “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”

* “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

* “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

* “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

3 nuns

Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong.

Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all.
When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ”Straight, straight, curly.’

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